Dear Mrs. Alito,
I see that our mean old Senators asking questions of your husband has upset you terribly. It pains me to see anyone upset to the point of shedding tears in public -- even if what upsets them is a process that has been part of this Republic for 216 years. Leaving aside the fact that there are a lot more of us -- tens of millions as a conservative estimate -- who would like to have these questions answered than there are people crying in public about these questions being asked, I'd like to ask you this:
What would make you happy? Honestly, I'd really like to know.
I assume your husband's confirmation to the Supreme Court would make you happy. That's perfectly understandable. But
why would that make you happy? Is it the prestige? The salary? The chance to pass up finger food that was touched by Clarence Thomas? Might it be something simpler -- pride in seeing your husband attain the highest peak of the legal profession? Or might it be something deeper -- that you share his view of the direction this nation should go, and his goals in affecting that direction? Might it be that you, like Jerry Fallwell and James Dobson, are excited that your husband might get the chance to overturn Roe v. Wade? Or Griswold v. Connecticut? Might it be because you think George Bush should have more power to abuse than he already has, and your husband can help him achieve that?
Because it's fine if that's what would make you happy. I'd be willing to bet that your husband would be happy, too, for pretty much the same reasons. The two of you seem like pleasant people, so I'm guessing the things that would make you happy are not terribly outlandish and would make plenty of other folks happy, too. In fact, the prospect of your husband sitting on the Supreme Court has made plenty of other folks happy.
Of course, as I'm sure you are aware, not everyone gets happy about the same things. For instance, my wife is really happy when she can have fish for dinner -- something that makes me really unhappy. I'm also very unhappy about the schemes and expectations of the people who are happy to see your husband nominated -- but for some reason my unhappiness doesn't get reported by the liberal media the way yours does. It would make me unhappy if it turned out your husband really shared their views. What about you -- would that make you happy, or unhappy?
So won't you clue us in? You've been kind enough to let us know what makes you unhappy -- letting us know what would make you happy isn't such a big step from there. And maybe that'll give us some idea what would make your husband happy.
'Cause when you get right down to it, that's what those big meaniehead Democrats are trying to get a handle on. Maybe if we'd just let them do that, we could all have a good cry and get on with our lives.
Thanks in advance for your help with this.
Sincerely,
Roddy McCorley